Submit to Self-Destruction

in this poem, i have tried to express the train of thought during self-mutilation and immediately after it...


I didnt want to do it again
but couldnt stop myself.
Consumed by darkness,
i reached out for the blade...
relief...sweet relief...
relief when the skin bursts open...
relief when the blood flows...
relief in this pain...beautiful self-administered pain
this sweet bliss.
The bliss when the cold blade touches the skin,
purifying my mind,
sanctifying my soul.

Then comes the realisation,
feel the silence...
as the aftermath of your actions finally dawn upon you.
feel the disgust...
feel the pain...
feel the tears,
as you watch your blood drip on the floor.
feel the self-loathing...
feel the agony.

Push yourself again...
push yourself to live through another day.
force yourself to look at your punctured skin
and wonder...
wonder what is worth this pain...
wonder what is worth going on like this...
wonder what this life is worth...
and feel this darkness consume you again...

Broken

This darkness
cold
penetrating
envelopes me
consuming
controlling
destroying me
gone are my dreams
replaced by this twisted, contorted nightmare
the nightmare i m living in
where are the promises?
where have they dissapeared?
the promise of happiness...
BROKEN
the promise of realising my dreams...
BROKEN
the promise of sanity
BROKEN
the promise of life
BROKEN

insanity concealed within this flesh
hatred, misery, anguish, grief
ruling over me
forced to live...
not allowed to exist...
there is no purpose
no meaning...no reason
only NIHILITY

this soul torn apart
eviscerated
destroyed
mutilated
ripped open
the will to dream is gone
the will to fight this insanity is gone
i have no choice but to submit
to submit to this nightmare...
to submit to this self-destruction
there is no life
there is no hope
as a meaningless empty shell i exist...
nothing left to feel
there is nothing left to heal...

total negation...

this soltitude....
so barren
so empty
so cold
so distant
i bid farewell
to this world
this cold cruel world
as this time slips by
i feel the end approaching me
i feel nothing but pain
this bitter, yet beautiful pain
everything is just a haze
a hazy blur made of my own fears and failure
i cry in shame of knowing my faults
but it doesnt seem to help anymore
these wounds refuse to close
forever open, reminding me of what i so despise
scarred and broken
i break, i grope, i fail
i suffer.....
shrouded by darkness
i slowly wither away
draining myself from everything,
i will leave today,
leave this life i so despise
broken by these flowing tears,
i will give it all up
my life, my dreams, my everything......

Titleless...

this despair....
burning me,
silently kills me...
this night leaves everything dormant...
the light fades down in dusk,
in this darkness...
my soul bleeds...
as i cease

i can see not where i walk
stumbling, groping...
being crushed by there walls
cold are these haunting walls...
cold are my haunting thoughts
lost in darkness,
in the infinity of this night
in this dark frost..eternal darkness

never lived...
never known happiness...
only known grief
locked in a vault...
a vault where silence reigns
a vault where there is darkness everywhere...
fooled by a faint hope...
the false hope of a new dawn...
a new precious dawn

the infinity of this darkness penetrating me...
locked in obscurity
facing this eternal night
eternal darkness, the grand extinction of my life
infinity...infinity...infinity...
a dream of a light
just a shattered hope..
leaves me alone, leaves me empty
leaving me with this pounding sorrow
drowning me in this silence

all hope is drained from me
lost in twilight
i will never rest in peace...
alone in this dormant fields,
i am alone
nobody dwells in this place
the gods are gone
sealing my fate...

the dim lights vanish as my light finally ends
in this darkness, my tortured soul dies in pain
a solitary fall in a trance
this life is gone...
finally it is time for a new dawn to arise...

Blood in my Eyes...

i dont feel like myself anymore
running my fingers through these open sores
feel my bloody veins
this self-administered pain

hallucinations...
all i see is clouded visions

i want so much to cause this pain
i want to take it all away
cut this shell,
let death follow...
burying myself in this sorrow

pain coursing through my veins
have to realise,
this is all a lie
this life is just a lie...

aah...misery...misery...this sweet misery
slowly killing me
death beckons...
slowly...slowly
take it away...
i cant live through another day
all i can think of is death...
death, this merciful death...

this blade in my hands
takes two forms of agony
one is disgust and the other is sanity
dragging it along my veins...
clearing my thoughts...
purifying my soul

blood...
blood covering my eyes
blood covering my soul
sanctified...
purified...
i will finally die alone.
in this pool of blood i lay
with contempt for all the things about myself i hate
tighten my fists
hold my breath...
slowly, these feelings fade
can see death wrenched in front of my eyes
drifting away...
ending this life i hate...

the end...
the end of this agony...
the end of this misery...
the end of this hatred...
the end of...ME

will i ever...

under bitter sorrow and scorn,
i was somehow born...
strewn in black decay
i just cant wait to fade away....
my life is taken from me
i am left empty
soulless, heartless, gutless,
i somehow exist
i live to die
i lie in wait
for death's sweet embrace
when will death come take me away?
when will i escape?

i have been cursed...
been given the curse of life
what have i done to bring this upon me?
its destroying me
punishing me
whipped mercilessly
with this stick of thorns,
i feel my spirit bleed.....

in desolation i weep
begging for the earth to swallow me
this human blade....piercing through my flesh
numbing the mental pain...
i see no end to this pain
forever falling through this abyss

my strength has been drained away
i have been left dry
i can see nothing in front of me
just darkness....
a bitter black
freezing hell....
oh god....when will this end?
what do i have to do,
to bring an end to this pain?

i can only find solace in death
this life isnt worth living
this foul existence has taken its toll on me...
i call upon death
to save my soul
to save what is remaining of me
one day i will die
and i will find peace,
in the wreckage of my flesh,
in the nakedness of my death.........

will i ever be happy?
will i ever melt in death's embrace?
will i ever see the flowers bloom again?
will i ever laugh again?
will these tears of blood ever stop?
dripping one by one,
staining the dust in my mind....
will these shadows ever lift off my head?
will i ever see the light?
will i....
will i ever live?.........

...

...

R.I.P Cryptopsy